What does it mean to be happy?
…
It’s a very big question for such small words. It is a question that philosophers, artists, and many others have long sought the answer to. It is a question that creates a need for mental health professionals like myself.
Yes, we have long wondered what it means to be happy.
But if there is one thing that my experience as a psychiatrist has shown me, it is that we definitely know what it means not to be happy!
Recently I had a conversation with one of my colleagues that really opened my eyes to how many “happiness traps” that so many of us get caught in – beliefs, habits, and thought patterns that keep us feeling defeated, and even contribute to anxiety and depression.
These are some of the “traps” that we found…
(and see if any of them sound familiar… even as I spoke with my colleague I realized I am not immune) –
1. The constant comparison trap: when we judge ourselves against others and feel discouraged because we are not like them. Maybe we don’t have what they have, look like they look, or do what they do – the end result is that we feel inferior.
It has been said, “Comparison is the thief of joy.” Measuring ourselves up this way is one of the fastest ways for us to lose our happiness.
This trap is often set off by the social media illusion – our warped perception of others’ lives as we see them on social media. We see others posting their highlight reels and we compare them to our bad days, and wonder what might be wrong with us that our lives are not so great.
We can escape this trap by remembering that all of our lives are different, and to compare them is like comparing apples and oranges. There are no singular milestones for the human experience.
Like the famous quote says, “Everybody is a genius. If you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree, it will live its whole life believing it is stupid.”
2. The perfectionism trap: setting unrealistic standards for ourselves and then beating ourselves up when we don’t meet them. Many of us expect much of ourselves – too much – and make our self-worth dependent upon achieving something nearly impossible.
My colleague and I both agreed that our patients, or anyone dealing with perfectionism, must learn to be more forgiving and internalize the idea that failure is part of the learning process.
Here’s another quote to encourage you – this one, from inventor Thomas Edison: “I have not failed. I’ve just found 10,000 ways that won’t work.”
3. The materialism trap: the belief that getting more things will bring happiness. In today’s online economy we have more access to more products than ever before, which can turn a convenience into a dangerous obsession.
But materialism separates our happiness from ourselves; it puts significance on a thing instead of our thoughts, attitudes, and perspectives, and takes away our power to determine our happiness. Besides, the dopamine high of a new thing ultimately fades; changing thought patterns results in long-term fulfillment.
4. The “grass is always greener” trap: thinking that we will be happy “when x happens.” It is similar to the materialism trap but instead of a new gadget or toy, we delay our happiness beyond whatever circumstance we are in.
“When I get a new job.” “When I have more money.” “When I get married.” “When I have kids.” We keep moving the goalpost and saving happiness for a later date. Similarly, the very pursuit of happiness outside of ourselves can become a happiness trap.
Gratitude is helpful for getting out of this frame of mind. When we are glad for what we have, we shift our focus from noticing what is not there to appreciating what is.
5. The trap of seeking constant stimulation: always seeking something to entertain us or stimulate us. Because of diminishing returns, everything eventually fails to satisfy us.
6. The FOMO trap: the “fear of missing out.” It is similar to the “grass is always greener” trap in that we feel like we are lacking something that will make our lives whole. It is best to combat this by endeavoring to enjoy the present moment – because, in fact, there is no time but the present!
7. The need for control trap: our desire to maintain control over every aspect of our lives. This is a very difficult one to come to terms with. But in response to this trap, I find the Serenity Prayer most helpful:
“God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference.”
8. The need for validation trap: our desire for approval from the others in our lives. Again, we are seeking stimulation or happiness from something outside of ourselves.
Hopefully you do not see yourself too many times on this list. But if you do, hopefully you know you are not alone – and you are equipped to escape the “happiness traps!”
If you know someone who could benefit from this info, feel free to send them this article. In the meantime, make today your masterpiece!
Florina
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