Reclaiming Your Power: The Cost of Blaming Others on Mental Health and Personal Growth

I want to share a story with you about a man named Erik. Erik is a dedicated professional living in the Nordics, juggling a demanding career and a busy family life.

Yet, despite his hard work, Erik often finds himself feeling overwhelmed and unhappy. He blames his conditions and circumstances for his lack of well-being, particularly pointing fingers at his spouse for not doing her part in the family.

One day, after an exhausting workday, Erik was driving home. He was lost in his thoughts, replaying an internal argument about a comment a colleague made about his latest presentation.

His mind was swirling with frustration and self-doubt. Then, suddenly, a car cut him off in traffic. It was a near miss, and he had to slam on his brakes to avoid a collision. His heart raced, and a surge of anger shot through him.

By the time Erik got home, he was a bundle of raw nerves. He stormed into the house, his face flushed with anger, and snapped at his wife. “Leave me alone, I don’t want to talk to you!” he yelled, even though she had done nothing to provoke his anger.

Any attempt from her side to calm him down only fueled his rage further. He blamed everyone: his boss, the colleague, the reckless driver, and now his wife – “Look how you made me feel!”

You see, Erik’s experience is a powerful example of how blaming others can disempower us. By blaming his wife and external circumstances, Erik gave away his power to change the situation. He believed that for him to feel better, other people needed to change. But how much control do we really have over others? None.

Let’s unpack Erik’s story using a simple yet profound model I find incredibly helpful: the ABCDE model, developed by Dr. Albert Ellis.

A – Activation: The Trigger Event

For Erik, the activating event was the driver cutting him off in traffic. But let’s take a closer look. The event itself wasn’t inherently the problem. It was an unexpected and potentially dangerous situation, but not necessarily a personal attack or an intentional act to ruin his day.

B – Belief: The Internal Dialogue

What truly triggered Erik’s emotional storm was his belief about the event. He saw the driver’s action as another straw on an already heavy load. His thoughts were something like,

“Why does this always happen to me? People are so inconsiderate!”

This belief amplified his anger and frustration, not just about the traffic incident, but about his entire day.

Wayne Dyer once said,

“When you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change.”

If Erik had considered that the driver might have been rushing to the hospital with an emergency, his emotional response might have been different. This shift in perspective could have diffused his anger.

Consequence: The Emotional and Behavioral Response

As a result of his belief, Erik’s anger escalated. By the time he got home, his emotions were a whirlwind. He lashed out at his wife, unable to communicate effectively or calmly. His belief that the day’s events were a series of personal affronts led to a chain reaction of negative emotions and behaviors.

Disputing: Challenging the Beliefs

Imagine if Erik had taken a moment to challenge his beliefs. He could have asked himself:

• Is it logical to think the driver cut me off to ruin my day?
• Is it based on reality?
• Is it helping me to hold onto this anger?

By questioning his initial reaction, Erik could have found more rational and empowering beliefs. Viktor Frankl, a renowned psychiatrist, said,

“Between stimuli and response there’s a space. In that space lies our freedom.”

This space allows us to choose a different response, one that serves us better.

Emotion: Integrating the Experience

If Erik had adopted a different perspective, he could have integrated his emotions more healthily. Instead of feeling powerless and angry, he could have felt calm and in control. By changing his beliefs, Erik could reclaim his power and improve his emotional well-being.

Taking Responsibility for Our Reactions

Erik’s story is a powerful reminder of the importance of taking responsibility for our reactions. Blaming others for our emotional state gives them control over our well-being. When we recognize that our beliefs about events, not the events themselves, trigger our feelings, we can start to reclaim our power.

I encourage you to reflect on your own experiences. When was the last time you blamed someone else for your feelings? What beliefs did you hold about the situation? How did these beliefs affect your emotional response?

Practical Steps to Reclaim Your Power

1. Self-Reflection: Identify the activating events in your life and examine your beliefs about them. Are these beliefs helping or hurting you?
2. Challenge Your Beliefs: Ask yourself if your beliefs are logical, real, and helpful. Use Viktor Frankl’s wisdom to find the space between stimulus and response.
3. Shift Your Perspective: Try to see things from different angles. Could there be another explanation for the event? How might someone else view it?
4. Focus on Solutions: Instead of blaming others, look for ways you can change your response. This shift can empower you and improve your well-being.

Remember, by taking responsibility for our reactions, we reclaim our power. Let’s learn from Erik’s story and choose to respond differently. Our well-being is in our hands.

Thank you for taking the time to read this. I hope it inspires you to reflect on your own experiences and embrace the power of taking responsibility for your emotional responses. Together, we can foster a more empowered and fulfilling life.